Okon and His Girlfriend

Aham I’m inviting you to my fellowship” she said. “Trust me; it’s going to be worthwhile”. How the hell was I supposed to refuse such an invitation? Dolly was too fine. The girl set die…., In fact she was “Mmuuaa!!!” She was a fellow teacher in some school in Delta state where I did my NYSC a long while back and I had been trying to get with her. Now, the chemistry between Dolly and I was as mutual as it could be. In a nutshell, it was a bit like…….ok, Mutual chemistry? Check, Physical attraction? Check and then Religious compatibility? No check. Don’t get me wrong. It’s not like she was a Muslim and I a Christian. In fact, we were/are both Christians. But you see, the wahala come be say this girl was a Jehovah’s Witness. I’m not saying I dislike or hate Jehovah’s witnesses, no; but if you know these lots well, you’ll agree with me that they have some of the strictest “living righteous” rules/guidelines ever made. Their views and outlook on life have never been mine at all. I digress, but apologies if I’m being judgmental any however. Anyway, the point I’m trying to make is that babes said “NO” a lot to a lot of things. “Oh no I’m not supposed to do that with you, you’re not a witness”. In fact me sef tire for the girl. She gave me the impression that all I had to do was show just a hint of commitment to her faith and then she’d loosen up on the “NO”s. Trust me na. “Yes, yes, I’ll be there”.

On this Sunday, I got ready and told my friends I was going to church. Of course I didn’t tell them I was going to a Kingdom hall for fear of becoming a subject of mockery, as they were Catholics who had always invited me to tag along with them to which I had always objected. So anyways, I set off and proceeded to board an okada to the address. Na here the drama come happen o! It wasn’t until we were about 15 minutes into the journey that it dawned on me that the okada man I had boarded his bike was drunk as a horse. Suddenly, I had started to smell alcohol in his clothes, and his riding was no different to the riding style in that matrix movie. “E don happen” I said to myself. We had gotten to a point where it was inevitable to abort the journey and there was just nothing I could do about it. So I sat there patiently, with my heart in my hand, while bros had a blast diving into potholes at a very uncomfortable speed, obviously testing out his newly fixed shock absorbers. “All these wahala na because I wan impress woman abi?” As we went along, I noticed we were going into a very remote area, and I started to feel really uneasy. “Bros you sure say na the church you dey carry me go so?” I asked, and his reply almost threw me off the bike. “Oga we dey go my girlfriend house”. Now, at this time, it was 9.45 a.m. and I was supposed to be at the service at 9.00 a.m. I was livid. “Okon!!” as I later learnt was his name, “wetin we dey go do for your girlfriend house?” “Oga sorry sir…… just gimme 2 minutes, we go comot now now abeg”. Before I could get Okon to change his course and take me to my destination, Okon had turned off his motorcycle. Whether I liked it or not we were at Okon’s girlfriends place o! See film!!

It turned out Okon had come to settle a score with his girlfriend who had caught him having an affair and had moved out of his house, just after trashing it. “She dey crase” he yelled. “How she go scatter my house, break my TV, burn all my clothes……” I stood there in total disbelief at what was unfolding before my eyes. All Ahamefula simply wanted on that Sunday was to wake up, get dressed and impress Dolly by honoring her invitation to her church, but there I was at Okon’s girlfriends place, forced to take on the problems of two complete strangers. 2 minutes turned into an hour, and to make matters worse, I became a mediator. I couldn’t believe myself. I had to say or do something just so we could hurry up and get me out of there. This was comedy at its very best. Well, Okon and his girlfriend exchanged insults for the next 45 minutes and at this point, it became apparent that there was no way I was going to make the service, and so I resigned to these strangers and just stood there while they entertained me. Eventually, when both parties had run out of nothings to say to each other, I asked Okon take me back to where he had picked me up.

“Aham welcome back….how was your service?” my friends asked. “Ah! It was fine o! In fact it was the most fulfilling service ever” Before nko? How was I to tell them I spent the day with Okon and his girlfriend instead of the in the church I had earlier told them I was going to? Plus I had to prepare a very convincing excuse for Dolly. Some weeks later I was going somewhere when I bumped into Okon again at the same bike stand. I was surprised he recognized me. “Oga how far na? Oga come make we go”. When he saw that I was obviously avoiding him, he came over and said “Oga come make I carry you go… no worry, me and my babe don settle”. I said “we bless God o! But no thank you”.

I can’t hold back laughter whenever I remember this. “Only in Delta state” I tagged it.

Dorcas

They say even when you’re wrong you’re right
I pay attention to the things I write
A strong African woman no mind could forecast
Her name is Dorcas
Favor smiled at her, and virtue played her a tune
As she washed her pregnant body in the river of fortune
Love was her strength
Her womb was my tent
I cared less if it was better outside, I had no idea
This was my galleria
I had a neighbor which was good
He ate all the food
We danced and kicked around
And this would sometimes lend dorcas’ face a frown
But my Godfather taught me well
We are humans therefore we are good and bad as well
On that day she labored painfully and sent us into the hard weather
Father said “the world is yours; I know you’ll do better”
Though she was younger
She was elegant and graceful, my mother

The Drunkard and the Bus driver

This is a short one on something that happened just a while ago. It was really funny to me and so I decided to share it.

It was on Christmas Eve last year o! and I had decided to go spend it with my bro. I had closed from work the previous day and reckoned that it would be quite a drab if I spent the Xmas alone, having done that the previous Xmas. There was no way I was going to spend this one all by myself as my friends had all travelled. So I got on a train to bros’s place. After some one hour, I arrived Woolich Arsenal train station. I had to then take a bus to Plumstead station from where bros’s pad was only a stone throw away. But you see the world spun too quickly and I got on the wrong bus, and it was in this very bus that the episode took place.

One passenger, a man, about forty-ish I reckon, was standing quite a distance from the driver. No be say seat no dey to sit down o! Besides there were some empty seats. But the dude for some reason chose to stand. Now on the way something happened, and the driver had to slam the brakes really hard and you can imagine what happened to this man. I heard something which sounded like a heavy sack of whatever being dragged along the floor. It went on a few seconds after which a loud bang followed. Hey! Chukwunna!! Laugh wan kill me die. The sudden brake of the bus had cost the man his balance. It appeared that bros had not only landed on the floor, but had also proceeded to the front of the bus by sliding on the floor. In my mind I said “which kind play be dis?” No wonder the dragging sound I heard. And oh! The loud bang was actually his head on the bottom dash board. He had slid his way to the front of the bus and banged his head hard against the dash board.

For about 10 seconds everyone just stopped and stared at each other and at the man on the floor. And in this 10 odd seconds that everyone was trying to piece together what had just happened, na so the bros just lie down for ground like wood. He wasn’t moving at all. I think he too was shocked and in disbelief at what had just happened to him. It was at this point that it occurred to some lady who was closest to him that she needed to help him up. As the guy take lie down there me sef think say it’s either the man don die or e don break neck. Period. Anyway, the woman gets to him and helps him to his feet, and he’s perfectly alright. Oya com sit down now. No! Bros retook his position o! and started to curse at the driver. “Is that how you break you f@#%ing idiot?” and that went on for another 5 minutes.

I got to my stop anyways, and made my way out of the bus. It was as I passed him that I smelt booze around him. In my mind I said “oooooooooookkkkkkkk, na so bros. no wonder!! It was Christmas Eve and he had probably been out celebrating and drinking and was going home when he decided to treat his beloved audience to a spectacle.